


Nothing can break, nothing can break me down,

by transgendergerard



Category: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Han Solo, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pansexual Lando Calrissian, Trans Han Solo, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 15:56:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16200788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transgendergerard/pseuds/transgendergerard
Summary: When Han wakes up one morning with worst dysphoria he has felt in years he's glad he has his boyfriend Lando to help him feel better.





	Nothing can break, nothing can break me down,

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! Here is my first proper fic in a couple of months, with your favorite trans guy Han Solo! I wrote this one since I've felt some pretty bad dysphoria since starting college (living in an all girl dorm is fine yall). Hope you guys like this one! 
> 
> Also, you guys should send me prompts (for any ships that I write!) to my tumblr via the ask box: www.ryanprettyboyross.tumblr.com I'd love you forever and a day if you do! 
> 
> Title is from the song "The Man" by The Killers.

When Han woke up one morning in the Falcon on his side of the captain bed next to his boyfriend Lando he could just tell it was going to be a bad day. So much of a bad day he was thankful that they weren’t doing anything much today because he could not understand how he could go through today’s tasks with the thoughts swimming around his brain at the exact moment. He hasn’t had these thoughts inside his head in a few years. He thought that the dysphoria was gone. The dysphoria that made him wish he wasn’t alive or made him consider doing terrible things to his body. But apparently, it has made its grand return.

 

Han wished he didn’t know how this dysphoria came back in such force, but he does. These past two weeks he had to skip his testosterone injection because he was busy not being killed by stormtroopers or other people who would rather see him dead. At least now he knows not to do that again. He also knows today is his usual testosterone injection day, but he might have to skip this one too if he can’t get out of bed. All he wants to do is go back under Lando’s hold and go back to sleep and forget about his problems. But he’s smart enough to know better than that won’t happen.

 

What does happen is that he does stay in bed, but doesn’t go back to sleep? He hides face underneath his pillow and gives out a loud sigh that could wake up Lando, but he doesn’t care. When everyone around him is back to being pitch black Han lets his thoughts take control. He thinks about how much of a girl he still is, how these past few many years he’s been on hormones he hasn’t really been a real boy. He still has breasts and isn’t happy with is inside his pants. Some days he feels like his voice is higher than it should be. Some days he wishes he just wouldn’t talk at all. He remembers the days where he wished he was just invisible and goes back to that familiar line of thought until the body next to him started to move.

 

Lando gets up and the first thing that Han sees through the pick of light from his pillow is a face of worry. Lando hasn’t been with Han long enough to see him this bad. The last time Han’s dysphoria got this bad it was right before he started hormones, which is almost 5 years ago now. Lando is the first one to speak between the two of them.

 

“Are you okay, babe? You don’t look so great.” Lando asked with concern in his voice.

 

“I, uh, no, I’m not okay,” Han says quietly while getting his head out from underneath his pillow to on top of it.

 

“What’s wrong?” Lando asks.

 

“My dysphoria… it’s just really bad right now and I don’t think I’m going to get out of bed today even though I’m supposed to get my shot today.” Han says defeated.

 

Lando looks at him with understanding and puts his arm up so he runs his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

 

“I’m sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. Is there anything I could do to help?” Asks Lando.

 

“Yeah, if you could just stay here with me? I don’t trust myself with my thoughts right now.” Han says with a small cry. Tears forming in his eyes.

 

“Sure thing. That’s kinda my number one job, you know.” Lando laughs a little.

 

“Yeah I know, I just know if I couldn’t put up with myself why would anyone else?” Han asks.

 

“I’m sure someone would put up with you, Han. You don’t know easy it is to love you.”

 

“Sure, if you say so,” Han says, doubting Lando.

 

“I do say so,” Lando replies.

 

“Oh, uh, if you could, later, could you wake me up to help me with my hormone injection? The dysphoria might get better if I actually take my shot.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll wake you up for that. Want me to do it for you?” Lando asks. Han sakes his hand yes, wanting to be quiet and not talk anymore. He’s reminding himself how much he hates his voice whenever he opens his mouth.

 

Lando moves to lay on his back, and Han knows that means he’s inventing him to lay in his arms, which he gladly pushes himself into Lando’s arms, hiding his face in his neck and smells his scent. Which could seem strange, but that calms Han whenever he’s this upset or doesn’t feel well. He hides in the person he loves the most, which is Lando.

 

Lando starts to move his hand up and down Han’s back, soothing him. He speaks up.

 

“So, when was the last time it got this bad?” Lando asks Han.

 

“The year I first started hormones. The month before actually. It got so bad Q’ira had to hold me and help me breathe and tell me it was going to be okay. I couldn’t handle not being myself anymore.” Han recalls. He knows for a fact that Q’ira doesn’t understand how much she means to him. She was the first one to accept him, to call him Han and uses he/him pronouns and not question why. He wished he could have thanked her the last time he saw her with Maul.

 

“I’m sorry you went through that, and that you’re going through this now. I’m glad you have people by your side who want to care for you.” Lando says while he moves Han’s bangs out of his face, so he can kiss his forehead. Han manages a smile.

 

“Thanks. I’m glad I had her…. and I’m glad I have you.” Han replies.

 

“I’m glad I have you too,” Lando says with a smile. Han replies with a kiss. The kiss gets stopped when Lando opens his mouth to speak again.

 

“Even though I love kissing you, I love seeing you feeling better than this. I think you should try and go and go back to sleep. For me?” Lando asks.

 

“Sure, I’ll sleep. Just be there when I wake up?” Han asks, feeling like a little kid again.

 

“Sure, Han. I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.” Lando replies.

 

Han doesn’t speak again, he just moves his head to Lando's chest and tries to calm down and fall asleep. Lando helps by moving his fingers up and down his back again, making him feel much more calmer. Han thinks about Lando and how he promises to stay about him through everything while he falls asleep for good, and not how his body is at war against himself. His mind goes back to normal and he goes back to sleep.


End file.
